Grieving mother reveals in new book “what not to say”

A grieving mother has written a book addressing the sensitive subject of how to talk to a parent who has suffered the loss of a child.

Singer and entertainer Kiki Deville, from Earby, said she felt like she would “never feel joy again” after losing her four-week-old son Dexter in 2007.

Dexter died from the rare genetic disease Zellweger syndrome and spent his final days at Derian House children's hospice in Chorley, of which Mrs Deville is now patron.

Her work there, including countless conversations with other parents, was incorporated into her book “What Not To Say: A Practical Guide to Supporting Bereaved Parents.”

Ms Deville said that 17 years after losing Dexter, she can still remember the first time someone made the well-intentioned but painful comment: “At least he was just a baby.”

“This suggests that his death would have been more significant had he been older,” she told the BBC.

From conversations with other mothers, Ms. Deville also knows that there are things you shouldn't say, such as “at least you have other children” or “you're better off.”

She said: “It's really important to realise that no one is saying anything out of malice. I don't think anyone has any intention of hurting.”

However, Ms Deville said she did not believe the “burden” should be on grieving parents to find a way back to normal life.

Since Dexter's death, she has rediscovered joy in life, including her 16-year-old son Arlo, and music and comedy – appearing on television shows such as The Voice and All Together Now.

However, she said the pain was often still severe.

“We are forever changed. We have to live with the grief of the death of our child for the rest of our lives. But we can live a normal life again if you help us back to the real world with some empathy and make us realize that there are better things to say,” she said.

One of her most important pieces of advice was not to avoid mentioning the name of a lost child in conversation.

She said: “People avoid the subject – 'I didn't mean to upset you' – but nothing you say will upset me any more than I already am.”

“After a while, no one says your child’s name anymore and that hurts.

“It’s really hard that no one acknowledges their existence.”

What Not to Say: A Practical Guide to Supporting Grieving Parents is now available.

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