An Important Conversation with a Parent After a Devastating Loss • Iowa Capital Dispatch

Heather's only daughter, Rian, was a happy child. A sweet blonde with an infectious smile and energy, she grew into a beautiful young woman and was described as “persistent.”
personality” and “lit up the world from day one.” Throughout her life, she had many friends and meaningful relationships, loved her family, her pets and socializing.

But in seventh grade of junior high school, Heather noticed a big change in Rian's otherwise lively personality. She became quieter, more withdrawn, and cried noticeably more often. Heather soon discovered that Rian had started “cutting” herself.

Cutting is the use of a sharp object, such as a razor blade, knife, or scissors, to mark, cut, or scratch one's body. It is a form of self-harm used to cope with emotional pain, stress, and anxiety when one does not know of healthier ways to relieve it.

Self-harm can also involve a person burning, scratching or hitting themselves, banging their head, pulling their hair, pinching their skin, pricking themselves with needles or sharp objects, or pushing objects under their skin. People who cut or self-harm often start doing so in their teens and may continue into adulthood.

When the cracks were discovered, Heather learned that Rian had experienced turmoil in her long-term friend group. Rian and another girl had been “kicked out” of their group without explanation at the direction of the group leader, and Rian was ostracized, mocked, called offensive names, and even told to “kill herself” in a Snapchat message from a classmate.

Heather and the other girl's father wanted to report the harassment to the school administration, but both Rian and the other girl refused, fearing that doing so would only make their situation worse.

Knowing that there was a family history of depression and anxiety, Heather took Rian to private therapy. Rian later began taking a combination of antidepressants, antianxiety, and ADHD medications, and she also attended therapy sessions once a week for several months.

But private counseling can be expensive, as much as $120 an hour with good therapists, and the therapist Rian got along with best and preferred didn't accept health insurance. And like so many families, Heather said they couldn't afford counseling at a certain point because they had other important bills to pay for their family of five. Although Rian's broken friend circle and ostracism continued for several years, counseling and medication helped, and she eventually stopped cutting.

In high school, Rian had a best friend and a boyfriend, played volleyball and basketball, was friendly and outgoing, and did better overall. After graduating, she got a job and moved in with her long-term boyfriend.

When the relationship ended a year later, Rian moved back home. In early 2024, she started a new job as a behavior therapist at a residential facility, working with autistic children. She loved the work and fit in perfectly with the facility. She was still social and spent time with friends, but suffered from severe migraine headaches and suffered from persistent insomnia – common side effects of the medication she was taking.

Then, in February 2024, Rian suffered a series of seizures and was hospitalized. While in hospital, Heather noticed signs that Rian was cutting herself again and realized that Rian was increasingly distressed internally and had been hiding this despair for some time. She was also likely turning to alcohol and other recreational drugs to alleviate the side effects of her medication and her emotional turmoil.

Her three days in the hospital only made things worse. Rian felt that she may have a neurological problem, but that her medical team had their own agendas and assumptions about her and weren't listening. She quickly lost faith in them and the medical community in general. She went home and eventually stopped taking all of her medications.

In the last month of Rian's life, Heather noticed changes in Rian's personality. She was throwing tantrums, picking fights with friends, and pushing people away. Rian became increasingly unwell and told Heather that her “inside felt like a hurricane.” She could no longer hide the emotional and mental turmoil. Now that Rian was an adult, her family's ability to intervene was limited.

Then on May 7, Rian had another outburst of anger and started an argument with a friend. Heather said that in the midst of her emotional turmoil, Rian had begun to question all of her friendships, and it's easy to wonder if this turmoil was resurfacing old pain and insecurities from her teenage years of being bullied.

When Rian came into her room that night, Heather knew her daughter was unwell, but she wasn't afraid that she might be having suicidal thoughts. She had never expressed them before.

But later that night, the hurricane raging in Rian became too strong.

Deaths by suicide can have medical causes – situational depression, clinical depression and serious mental illness. But fundamentally, the biggest cause is despair that feelings will never change. The hurricane of pain keeps returning. The old hurts keep breaking out.

When we talk about young people's suicides, in many cases it is impossible to separate them from the way they are treated by those around them. We always come back to the issue of bullying and its far-reaching consequences.

Last week, following the death of her daughter, the mother of the 12-year-old girl posted a message on our Facebook community page, which said, in part:

“A post has been shared if anyone would like to join her visit. We just ask that you do not take photos of her as we do not want her bullying to continue.”

I read this line and thought: What have we let our children become?

It is time we realized that this problem goes far beyond the responsibility of our schools and the real responsibility lies with ourselves. It is time we took a hard look at our families and, if necessary, said harsh but necessary things to our own children:

Stop. You are being cruel. What you are doing is causing serious harm.

Insulting someone directly to their face or behind their back is cruel.

It is cruel to spread negative rumors about someone, no matter what kind.

It is cruel to laugh or make fun of a person's appearance to their face or behind their back.

It is cruel to intentionally exclude another person in the cafeteria, on sports teams, in the classroom, in the hallway, at evening and weekend gatherings, in friend circles, and on social media.

Making fun of other people's pictures and posts on social media is cruel.

Trolling on social media is cruel.

It is cruel to send hateful private messages to another person.

It is cruel to make a prank call to a target.

Creating group chats where people talk negatively about another person is cruel.

Your behavior causes real pain and harm to another person.

Your behavior is unacceptable.

You can be better than that.

We need to recognize that sometimes it's our own children who behave like this. And we need to address it. We need to be direct. We need to be specific. Just saying “be nice” or “don't be a bully” is no longer enough.

Friendships come and go. Adolescents' circle of friends is constantly changing. Our children don't all have to be friends, they don't all have to like each other, but they can be taught to get along without torturing each other to death and turning their smartphones into weapons of mass destruction.

As for my community, we will remember these bright young people not for their deaths, but for their short, beautiful lives. And we will not forget their names:

I'm Aidan.

Rian.

Vanessa.

We will heed Heather Van Gorp's advice. Continue to listen to our children when they are struggling. Advocate for them as best you can. Give them unconditional love and support.

And when our own children cause the damage, say the hard and concrete things.

Say: “You can do better than that.”