Neither Raab nor ARD: The best show of the week is clearly provided by the CSU

My favorite channel this week? It's not ARD, not ZDF. Not even RTL. My absolute favorite channel has three other letters. A “C”. An “S”. A “U”.

This CSU television station only broadcast a quarter of an hour of programming on Tuesday. But these 16 minutes offered everything that television can do: games, fun, excitement. And something to marvel at.

Söder: the Western

High Noon in Berlin! The door to the Bavarian State Representation in Berlin opens right on time for lunch. Out walks Markus Söder, Bavarian Prime Minister, adorned with a beard like Buffalo Bill and walking with a slightly stiff hip, as if he had just tied up his horse on the Platz der Republik after the long ride from Munich to the capital.

Following him, his hands clenched, is Friedrich Merz, who at 1.98 meters is four centimeters taller. A duel between the two gang leaders, the undisputed heads of the CDU and CSU – who will move faster?

Markus Söder draws the short straw and says he is “fine” with Friedrich Merz being the Union's top candidate for the federal election. Four fists for a hallelujah: “Good day at home on the screens too,” announces Markus Söder, “the K question has been decided. Friedrich Merz will do it.”

End credits. The cowboy mounts his horse and rides south. The setting sun bathes him in the gentle evening light. Riding by his side is nothing more than the great man's eternal loneliness.

Söder: the science fiction film

The time machine is one of the most popular inventions in film history, keeping the 400 films busy – and not all of them are as funny as Bully Herbig's “(T)Raumschiff Surprise” from 2004.

The CSU's time machine, as presented this Monday in the 2024 science fiction film “Dream Chancellor Merz”, is at least highly comical. The CSU state parliament members have just travelled to the Banz monastery in Franconia for a retreat.

Here you can hear from Hendrik Wüst that he does not want to be available as a candidate for chancellor and recommends that the strongest regional association support Friedrich Merz in his candidacy. This means that the decision for this candidate has been publicly anticipated.

“This appointment today is not spontaneous”

CSU parliamentary group leader Klaus Holetschek spoke to Söder on the phone, but his reaction was tight-lipped and he said only briefly: “I find that surprising at this point.” In fact, however, Markus Söder has long since established the time machine as a company vehicle in the high-tech location of Bavaria.

How else could it be explained that he appeared in front of the cameras and microphones at the press conference in Berlin and said: “This appointment today is not spontaneous.” It has been prepared for a long time.”

And a few minutes later, Friedrich Merz jumps in: They had always said that they wanted to present a decision “in late summer”.

“We always knew that this responsibility extends beyond the two of us. The Union is the last remaining large popular party of the democratic center.” The viewer rubs his eyes: only thanks to this time machine could Söder have known in advance what surprised him afterwards. Or vice versa.

Söder: the love story

Markus Söder has been through a divorce war and a mudslinging match. Again and again he reminds himself and the audience at the press conference how badly his relationship with the CDU candidate for chancellor, Armin Laschet, failed – and in the end, the situation turned out as it so often does in such disputes.

The desired two-family home with the CDU and CSU in government had gone to hell, sold off in the divorce dispute to Olaf Scholz and his traffic light idiots, who have since put on a light show that has left Germany rubbing its eyes.

This failure of the relationship between the CSU and CDU is history. Now it's about the big, the really big feelings. As Markus Söder says in the press conference – and it sounds like marriage vows and a bond for life:

“We agree, not just for today. We want to take joint responsibility for our country for a long time to come.”

Markus Söder remains the man for the tougher tones

Both party leaders, Söder adds, form the center of the family – er, the Union. And then the CSU chairman publicly works through his relationship history. “What is different from 2021?” he asks. And the answer is immediate: “Appreciation!”

At this point at the latest, the CSU should have brought out a string orchestra in its state representation. Sweet violins would have been the least they could have done for the love wedding in front of the cameras.

But be warned, rest of Germany: Markus Söder remains the man for the harder tones. He is more likely to announce a heavy metal musical. As he says at the end: “We're rocking it!”