Why your bisexual awakening “later in life” comes at just the right time

I spend a lot of time online, especially in places where identity politics are front and center. And one trend I've seen gaining momentum since the COVID-19 pandemic began is the complexity of coming out as queer “later in life.” Type “late in life lesbians” into TikTok's search bar and you'll know what I mean.

As someone who has known they are queer since childhood and identified as such since middle school (#earlyinlife?), it brings me enormous joy to see so many women identifying with their true desires—and creating content about them! And while I am grateful for some of the experiences I had during my queer adolescence and early adulthood (and traumatized by others), I also reject the idea that there are better or worse times in life to come out.

Especially for bisexual women, who face enormous stigma both inside and outside the queer community, the message that coming out after your twenties is an anomaly can add pressure to an already difficult process of self-development. After all, bisexual people are already at higher risk of negative mental health outcomes due to so-called “minority stress” (the experience of being excluded) compared to heterosexual and other queer people.

As bisexual women struggle with both cisheteronormativity (the cultural pressure to be cisgender and heterosexual) and the norming of monosexuality (attraction to one gender) in our society, they may already be questioning the validity of their orientation. Add to that a complex and nuanced relationship with obligatory heterosexuality (the patriarchal lie that marginalized genders rely on cis men for access to power and resources), and we have a self-image catastrophe waiting to happen.

According to a 2013 Pew Research Center survey, the majority of LGBT adults (59%) said they knew they were gay during adolescence and adolescence, but a full 28% said they didn't know until their twenties or later. And this latter experience is most commonly reported by bisexuals (15%, compared to 14% of lesbians and 3% of gays).

But why? Why are women—and bisexual women in particular—more likely to come out “later in life”? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but the answer is cisheteropatriarchy (the combined influence of trans, queer, and gender minority oppression).

The sexual development of women is different

In the past, scientists have conducted research into how cisgender men function—and then compared everyone else to that supposed baseline. Just look at how long it took for medicine to realize that women perceive heart attack symptoms differently! Unfortunately, but perhaps not surprisingly, research into gendered sexuality is no different.

Sexual development is just one area where we have made the mistake of viewing cis men as the norm.

On average, cisgender men experience their sexual peak in adolescence and early adulthood – that is, in their twenties. This is when they are at their most sexual and confident. After that, sperm count tends to decline, problems such as erectile dysfunction arise, and sexual insecurity can creep in.

Cisgender women, on the other hand, generally report an increase in sexual confidence, self-esteem, and desire as they reach midlife. While women also experience physiological issues with sexuality as they age (they literally call pregnancy after 35 “geriatric,” people), women’s psychological experience of sexuality only improves.

A study found that women in their thirties feel more sexually confident, especially when they lose their insecurities about their bodies. When are women most sexually insecure? At 25.

As women age, we tend to shed the patriarchal socialization that has plagued us all our lives. We become more comfortable in our bodies, more knowledgeable and open about what gives us sexual pleasure, and more curious about our erotic authenticity: “What do we want?” becomes a major mental refrain.

It's no surprise that this is the point in sexual development when many women discover their queerness—a desire repressed by cisheteropatriarchal socialization. It's precisely at the moment when women, regardless of their orientation, are coming into their own sexually that questions of queer identity can also arise.

Queer identity development is a separate thing

For my Masters in Sex Education, I had to take a course that looked at psychological and sociological development across the lifespan. This course was taught (brilliantly) in such a way that we added a theory week by week to a physical representation of the lifespan that was set up in our classroom. “Oh, Erikson says that people between the ages of 12 and 18 struggle with identity issues and confusion? Add that to the 'adolescence' column!”

There are countless theories about how our minds develop over time. And the question of queer identity has its own subset of developmental theories (here are just a few). D'Augelli, for example, claims that queer people go through several processes to find themselves; the first three are shedding the heterosexual identity, developing a personal queer identity, and exploring their identity in social contexts.

Guess what – heterosexuals don’t have to do this!

Just as we cannot assume that other genders have the same experiences as cisgender men, we cannot assume that queer people develop their sexual identity at the same time as heterosexual people.

Heterosexual people face few barriers to developing their sexual identity. This is a simple fact of heterosexual privilege. When institutions, media, and our families of origin normalize and celebrate heterosexuality, it is relatively easy for heterosexuals to see themselves represented and understand something essential about themselves, even if it takes time to learn the language to do so.

The development of a queer identity is different—largely because so many queer people assume that they must be cis and straight as part of cisheteronormativity. Many queer and trans people, myself included, start out believing that they have to fit in with the world around them, until they feel the nagging thought that there must be another way.

When we become aware of our difference, it happens at different times for different people and depends on several factors: Were you able to talk about your experiences with adults you trusted? Did you grow up in a more liberal or conservative environment? What role did religion play in your upbringing? And that's just the beginning of developing a queer identity! According to a model developed in 1979 by researcher Vivienne Cass, once a queer person becomes aware of their difference, there are six more stages before they are able to integrate it into their entire life.

It takes time for all of us to recognize and accept being queer.

Forced heterosexuality sucks

Let's talk about how society pressures women into relationships with men, even when that may not be what they really want. This idea, called compulsory heterosexuality, is about more than just the assumption that everyone is straight – it's about how our culture discourages women from relying on each other and ending up in marriages with men.

Often mistakenly equated with cisheteronormativity—or, according to some misinformed people on TikTok, something only lesbians experience—the term is a complex web of ideas. But writer Adrienne Rich popularized the term in 1980, arguing that the feminist movement needed to better understand lesbianism—not just as a sexual orientation, but as a lifestyle—to better undermine patriarchy.

In our culture, women are more likely to take care of each other. In fact, studies show that women are much more likely to go to their girlfriends for emotional support than to their male partners. Think back to some of the most formative relationships you've had in your life, and I'm willing to bet that best friends come up again and again. And yet, through our socialization, we are actively taught that the key to a happy, healthy life is marriage to a cis man (quote: every fairytale ever).

So what does this mean for our view of women as potential partners – in love or in life? Rich says society suppresses women's desire for each other, whether it's for friendship, love or sex. And that affects all women, not just lesbians.

For bisexual women, it gets even more difficult. Especially for those who are already in long-term, monogamous relationships with men “later in life” and are finally coming to terms with the depth of their queerness: “Now what?”

On one hand, you may want to explore your queer side, but since you're attracted to men and dating one, it may be easier for you to just ignore that part of yourself. Not because society tells you to, but because it seems too hard to confront.

And this pressure to bottle up and suppress your queer desires can cause you to drift further and further away from your bisexuality, sometimes for years.

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In sum, bisexual women's access to their own authentic desire (what feminist academics refer to as “the erotic”) can be compromised – through no fault of their own! Bisexual women experience an extremely complex and often painful relationship to their queerness within the cisheteropatriarchy.

So when they come out “later in life,” their newfound liberation should be celebrated, not stigmatized.

On the occasion of Bisexuality Visibility Week, we should not only recognize the validity of bisexual women, but also acknowledge that their journey to their identity, in whatever form it takes, is also valid.

Melissa A. Fabello is a relationship coach and health educator whose work focuses on the politics of well-being. She has a PhD in Human Sexuality Studies. Follow her on Instagram And TikTok for her views on sex, relationships and Taylor Swift.