How a child psychologist helped his son with his screen addiction

Soon my then 11-year-old realized that he could open other tabs on his computer during class and watch any video he wanted. I noticed that he was turning inward. Watch YouTube became a source of entertainment and escape, but took its toll on his health. He suffered from fairly severe depression and anxiety.

I am a clinical psychologist at Duke University School of Medicine, where I research mental health issues related to children. I had heard about screen addiction and the medical debate about whether it exists. When I saw my son experiencing withdrawal symptoms and lying to get more screen time, I realized that technology can really be addictive. I believed my son had a screen addiction (even though he had not been officially diagnosed by any other doctor).

But despite my professional background, I couldn't get my son the help he needed right away. I thought: If I can't solve this problem with all my resources and expertise, how can other parents?

Fortunately, after three years we have made great progress with my son, who is now 14. I am also Creating healthy technical boundaries for my 12 year old daughter. Here's what my family did.

We lock the screens at night

When my son's screen addiction was at its worst, he would sneak screen time when he should have been sleeping. He would stay up late into the night, and I knew the lack of sleep was probably contributing to his mental health issues.

So my wife and I bought a lockable box and stored all computers, phones and tablets in it at night. This may sound extreme, but I really felt that my son was struggling with an addiction and we needed to support him by Restricting his access to screens. It was very difficult to implement. My son cried, got angry and even lied to get more screen time.

We have minimized the use of screens for school work

First, we wanted my son little screen time as possible. We talked to his teachers and coordinated with them to ensure he completed as many assignments as possible with paper and pencil. When he completed digital assignments, his parents or teachers watched closely.

We model telephone-free time

We created a family media plan that outlined how much screen time the kids could spend – one hour on weekdays, two hours on weekends and holidays – and designated screen-free zones. Everyone in the house offered suggestions on what we should include in our plan.

We didn't want to label screen time as exclusively good or bad. Instead, we focus on encouraging healthy and responsible usage habits, including making sure everyone prioritizes household chores, family time, exercise, and face-to-face time away from screen time. We also role model the behavior we want to see. When my wife and I are done with work, we put our phones away and focus on spending time with family. There are always no screens at dinner.

We pick up our son where he is and create individual plans for each child

My son has autism and his symptoms mean, for me personally, that he is not inclined to have deep or long conversations. We acknowledge this and allow him to read a book or do other screen-free activities during dinner rather than expecting him to talk to us.

My daughter is younger, but she has a phone, my son does not. This is very intentional. She has shown that she can be responsible and familiar with the telephone. For a long time, my son had not shown that he could responsibly use a laptop, let alone a phone.

The first few months of limiting his screen time were very difficult and filled with many emotional outbursts. But after a while we made progress and he accepted the restrictions. Two years later, we are now considering buying my son a phone because he is so good at sticking to our family media plan.

We use monitoring software and communicate about our approach

In addition to the conversations with the children, we use a Telephone monitoring systemwhich made me more confident when considering purchasing a phone for my son.

When I told the kids I would be monitoring them, their eyes widened. But I explained that I wasn't trying to see every detail – I would just use the program to detect if they were doing anything that could be harmful, like watching adult content or spending too much time online. Kids need and want privacy and autonomy, but they also need to know that someone is watching over them while they learn to manage their digital lives.

Our use of technology is fluid and ongoing. Like any relationship, it requires a lot of communication. We talk about our tech use regularly. I ask my daughter what she watches and what she thinks about social media. She's not always the most communicative, but if I'm persistent but non-judgmental, she usually opens up.

We have made great progress and are aware that the technology will continue to exist in the future

While we do everything we can to help our children develop a healthy relationship with technology, my wife and I know that they will always be exposed to the digital world. We cannot shield them from technology, but it is our duty as parents to do everything we can to protect them.

And I'm now comfortable with our technology use as a family. This summer, my daughter accidentally left her computer unlocked overnight and my son didn't even try to use it. That's progress.

I understand that my son will need more unrestricted access to screens at some point so that he is prepared for it as an adult. I take a harm reduction approach and try to limit the negative effects of technology, but realize that he cannot avoid it completely.