My boyfriend proposed to me – and then admitted that he had impregnated another woman

It's the news no woman wants to hear: that her partner has been unfaithful.

When I read the news this week that Foo Fighters star Dave Grohl fathered a child out of wedlock, I was sent shivers down my spine.

Only a few years ago, I was the woman who was cheated on; a matter that only came to light because my partner Tom*, like Grohl, had fathered a child with another woman.

Tom and I had been together for four years and had always enjoyed each other's company. We liked the same music and we both loved to party. As two people with pretty serious day jobs, we looked forward to the weekend when we could dance the night away with our friends.

During our time together, there have been ups and downs, mostly related to our ideas about our life goals, but we have overcome it all and reached a point where we are both happy and deeply in love.

Everyone who knew us said we were perfect. We always arrived hand in hand and went home in each other's arms. Infidelity was out of the question for me. Although we weathered every storm, I never wanted or desired anyone else.

So when he proposed to me out of the blue, I wasn't surprised. We had talked about marriage many times.

Even though the timing didn't fit with our plans, I agreed.

“How lucky I am,” I thought as I looked at him.

I couldn't have known that my triumph would be short-lived. That he intended to destroy it.

“Do you know what you mean to me? Everything. But I have to tell you something,” Tom said a few minutes after asking the question.

Even with all the sense in the world, I couldn't have guessed what he would say.

“I made a mistake. A big one,” he continued.

“My goodness, what's going on?” I asked, not suspecting the slightest that he had been unfaithful.

“When we were going through our rough patch, I started seeing someone.”

I felt dizzy and stared at him in disbelief. My heart started racing and I felt cold.

“Is it over?” I asked with all the strength I could muster.

“That's not the worst part. She says she's pregnant,” he added. The words hit me like a meteor hitting the earth. It felt like the end of everything: dreams, plans, and all the love I had given him so freely and above all else.

For the next few days I cried hysterically and he never left my side. He held me when I collapsed, stroked my head when I fell asleep and made me food even though I couldn't eat.

Neither of us made it to work for a whole week. We talked until we ran out of words.

She was 12 weeks pregnant. He had only seen her a few times. He had broken up with her when he realized there was still a chance with me.

In my head I played through all the things that would change the life we ​​wanted to have together.

I slowly began to accept my new reality: the betrayed wife who stands by her husband. I went to work and faced all the people in my life who loved me and to whom I had to explain this.

I thought of nothing else and tried to find a way to deal with this situation that I had not caused.

Then, one evening, as I was walking alone along the Southbank, it dawned on me: I didn't want to be the woman who was cheated on. I didn't want a life marred by my partner's infidelity.

One Sunday afternoon, as I was thinking about my future and leisurely scrolling through my social media, an image suddenly appeared in my messages. It was an ultrasound picture of the other woman – my fiancé's baby.

This frightened me and made me feel sick. I wrote back to her: “She should never contact me again.”

But she kept messaging me. When I blocked her account, she simply created a new one and looked for a way to contact me. It was long, drawn-out messages about their relationship, details about their sexual encounters, and angry accusations that I was a terrible person for denying a child his father, which disturbed me and threw me off the tightrope I was balancing on.

Although my fiancé kept assuring me that it was over between them and We would decide together what role he would play in the child’s life, I began to understand that he would always have a life that I could never be a part of. There was more to it than the child.

They were all firsts: first steps, first words, first day of school, sports events, school concerts, Christmas, university – a whole life full of happy events marred by my desire to be his martyr.

When I thought about starting over, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I felt defeated by the situation. I could have forgiven him for cheating in my heart, but a child adds an emotional depth to an extramarital affair that is difficult to overcome. I decided I didn't want to be his hero. I wanted to be my own hero.

I wasn't going to stick around for what came next. This child deserved his father and I needed to get out of his way. Ending my relationship was a huge financial, emotional and physical burden. However, it was the best decision I ever made.

My ex was devastated. He never intended for any of this to come to light, let alone end our relationship. He begged and pleaded with me to stay and work things out. But the truth was, I no longer felt safe with him. The nature of the messages from the other woman and myself made me realize that she was not someone I wanted in my life.

When I thought about starting over, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. All the fears I had been carrying for months left my body. I dressed differently, listened to music again and finally smiled.

Now, as I write this, I don't recognize the wide-eyed, naive girl who believed in a fantasy. By leaving, I assured myself of the future I now live, traveling the world and writing about it – a life that marriage to my ex could never have provided.

The last I heard from friends was that Tom had a role in the child's life. This is best for everyone and what I had hoped for.

So when I think of Jordyn Blum's pain, my advice to her is that it's hard to do the right thing when you've been betrayed in the worst possible way. The need to get revenge will be overwhelming; you'll be forgiven if you want it.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be here after three children and 21 years of marriage. There is no one size fits all solution to overcome what you're feeling. Your path is not the same as mine, but what I've learned on my journey is that even in the worst pain, there is joy.

The path ahead of you will open up, you will see it and recognize it. Follow it to the end, where the next phase of your life has always been waiting for you.

*Name has been changed

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