Question to Eric: Former foster child still has problems and mother is exhausted

Dear Eric: Twelve years ago, I was a foster mother to a twelve-year-old girl. “Angel” was reunited with her father after a year and when things fell apart, she came back to live with me.

Eventually I filed a petition in court and was awarded custody. She has left and come back several times over the years.

Angel just had a baby and is struggling in every way. She seems to be angry all the time. She has always been mean, rude and disrespectful to me over the years and every time I have chosen to stay with her.

Angel is a trauma survivor and was a victim of abuse and neglect as a child. I strive to give her compassion, support and unconditional love. It's a hard task. After a recent incident, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Can I just put this all behind me?

I feel disrespected, used, unappreciated and just sick of all the drama. Then I realize that nothing I feel compares to the challenges she has faced and the traumas she has experienced in her life.

Angel has shown that she is either unwilling or unable to work toward a healthier relationship. Am I okay with being another adult who abandons her (at least in her eyes) and walks away?

– Exhausted foster parents

Dear Tired One: This process of “breaking and healing” lasts a lifetime, says Priscilla Singleton, LMFT, LSCW, director of clinical standards at the Council for Relationships. Angel will keep pushing to make sure you actually stick around, Singleton told me. But your constant presence, whether Angel accepts it or rejects it, is still a message that maybe the world is a safer place.

As a foster parent's assistant, Singleton led trainings and support groups for parents. But if you don't get that — say, if Angel came to you through family connections — a lot of it probably feels uncontrollable. Parents don't have to be punching bags, but you have tools that Angel doesn't.

Instead of walking away, consider working with a therapist or support group specifically trained in foster care and adoption. They can help you better understand Angel's situation and set boundaries that will keep both of you safe. These boundaries will also model healthy parenting for Angel and her daughter.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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