The plan for Florida's state parks is dead, hopefully forever

R. Bruce Anderson
| Ledger columnist

I am – probably voluntarily, according to the algorithms – the victim of endless online sports advertising.

For everything. Socks, clubs, hats, “always dry” t-shirts, golf clubs (I don't play, but whatever, right?), bike tires, bike brakes, bike seats, bikes… at least they're in the right area?

I also play tennis, and that means I search for and follow tennis players, watch tennis online, and constantly look up the results of even the most obscure tennis tournaments. So I'm inundated with advertisements for tennis rackets, tennis ball machines, tennis balls (they're all made in the same factory in Taipei, I believe, and have different fancy logos on them), and shoes. Thousands of ads for shoes: clay court shoes, hard court shoes, even Wimbledon shoes for grass courts.

But what are these? Pickleball shoes? What? For $130? That's the ultimate profit-driven insult.

I hate pickleball.

It's a terrible game that unfortunately requires no special skills and almost no movement. You could play pickleball in flip-flops without spraining an ankle.

And it is loud. There's nothing quite like the sound of a pickleball paddle (is that what they're called?) hitting the sealed plastic ball used to play it. The bang is remarkably similar to that of a hammer hitting a hollow metal tube… from about three stories up.

No tennis player can stand to play next to these people – and to add insult to injury, due to the game's growing popularity, more and more tennis and basketball courts are being converted to pickleball. Entire neighborhoods have rebelled against the aural assault they suddenly find themselves in next to a court where pickleball is being played.

I would much rather ride my bike leisurely and stop occasionally to photograph Florida's birds and other animals than stay within a mile of a pickleball court.

Imagine my joy when I heard the news last week that a consortium of dimwitted fraudsters and idiots had decided to build pickleball courts all over our beautiful, quiet and wild state parks.

I never thought I'd write the words “and Florida rose up as an individual to shout its outrage at the destruction of its heritage,” but I did, and it did so aptly, and it reflects the sudden, ugly, and brutal criticism this stupid idea received when people got wind of it.

All people. There is no “sadly divided political system” here. Floridians took to the radio, the internet, and the streets of towns and villages across the peninsula in an incredible outpouring of fear and horror. And rightly so. We just love our parks.

“But it will bring more tourists! More money,” pleaded the pickleball proponents. Or the stupidest claim: “It will make our parks more ‘accessible.’” What? For whom?

To be fair, in addition to pickleball, they planned golf courses, hotels, and (as far as I know) carousels and trampolines. But that didn't move the masses. And it didn't move the political class – regardless of party. Republicans and Democrats alike – both U.S. Senators, the majority of the congressional delegation, and 90% of the state legislature jumped on the bandwagon.

Some of the developers immediately retreated and slunk into the dark corners where they usually stay between land expropriations. The rest will follow them, along with the greedy greenhorns who started this thing for them. In conclusion, the governor finally sighed, stepped in and put an end to this crazy nonsense and put the whole mess on hold (hopefully permanently).

I have rarely seen such an unpopular idea. And I have never been prouder to be a Floridian (albeit an immigrant).

Seriously, our parks really need attention. We need more rangers, we need road work, we need nature centers for education; and often we still lack accessibility for citizens who may have mobility issues. We need more investment in land set-aside and the restoration and preservation of historic sites. The wildlife corridor is a huge step in the right direction, but we need to keep up the pace if we are to save our natural paradise.

And please no more pickleball.

R. Bruce Anderson is the Dr. Sarah D. and L. Kirk McKay, Jr. Endowed Chair in American History, Government and Civics and Miller Distinguished Professor of Political Science at Florida Southern College. He is also a columnist for The Ledger and a political consultant and on-air commentator for WLKF radio in Lakeland.

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