A guide to coping with the tragic loss of your pet

A few years ago I lost my puppy Max. I remember the day I got the news. I was standing in Heuston Station, about to board the train home for my college graduation, when I got the text: “Denise, Max has just died, heartbroken.” But heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I felt at that moment. In the middle of a crowded concourse, I burst into tears. I wasn't heartbroken, I was devastated. I had just lost a family member.

I know some of you may read the above sentence and think it's dramatic. Honestly, I don't blame you. I did once too. I've had many dogs in my life, some rescued ones we've rehomed, others we've lost, but it's true when they say you form a bond with certain animals just like you do with certain people. My little Max was a prime example of that. His death broke me and I couldn't believe that his presence, the unique joy he brought to my family and the abundance of love he gave me would now be missing. It was too overwhelming to imagine.

Until that moment, I didn't know how traumatic the loss of a pet can be. How much one can grieve and mourn the loss and how important it is to do such things. Grief counselor Marty Tousley has written numerous books on dealing with grief and is particularly interested in the topic of the human-animal bond.

Marty explains that the way you grieve the loss of a pet is nothing to be ashamed of. “It is a myth to believe that dealing with the death of a pet is easier than dealing with the death of a loved one. The loss of a beloved pet can touch a person's deepest spiritual beliefs and deepest emotions.” Marty goes on to explain that “grief is a natural, spontaneous reaction to the loss of an important relationship” and is therefore not limited to the loss of a human. “Grief is indifferent to the nature of the deceased. Love is love, loss is loss, and pain is pain,” she adds.

A few years ago, Ailbhe Garrihy lost her little dog Bobby. Three years later, Bobby's sudden death broke Ailbhe's heart and she took time off from work to give in to her feelings and cry it out.

“I had two wooden dressers that I'd been meaning to paint white for ages, so I spent the next few days doing that. It was a good activity, but I could also cry when I needed to,” explains Ailbhe. “I still think about him every hour of the day. The worst thing is walking into the kitchen in the morning and not being greeted by him with full enthusiasm and love – that was always my favourite time of the day.” To help ease her grieving process, Ailbhe wrote a poem dedicated to Bobby, which she shared on Instagram. Ailbhe wrote down all the things she wished she could tell her dog, and found a little healing by putting pen to paper.

“I have received literally thousands of messages of condolence from people offering their condolences and saying they understand the feeling and the pain,” Ailbhe added. With her little dog being the center of her universe, she also noted that the pain of losing a pet cannot be underestimated. “They are literally a member of the family and a huge part of their owners' lives. The emptiness we felt when Bobby died and his absence from the house was almost unbearable and it took a long time to get used to.”

And unfortunately, the grieving process takes time. When I lost Max, it took me so long to get used to doing everything without his presence and his infectious energy. I would be fine, and then suddenly I would remember something about him, or forget for a split second that he was gone, and I would burst into tears. This went on for a few months. It was hard at first, but over time it gradually subsided and I began to heal. And even though I haven't brought another dog into my life since Max, I appreciate every moment with my other dog, Harry, a little more. I also hope to see myself with another puppy one day—something I never thought I'd say, but then again, time heals all wounds.

Pete Wedderburn, also known as 'Pete the Vet', is a veterinarian from Bray, Co Wicklow. With over 15 years experience, Pete has dealt with the loss of a pet countless times and knows how difficult it can be for pet owners.

“The private nature of pet grief can make it doubly difficult for some pet owners to deal with their emotional burden,” explains Pete. “The loss of a pet can devastate people deeply, and they can experience heightened sensitivity and numbness. It's a difficult time that deserves all the support that those around them can muster.” And while it can be very upsetting for everyone involved, grief is also a necessary part of saying goodbye. Holding a small funeral or keeping a keepsake also helps with the grief. Our local veterinary clinic gave us Max's paw print in plaster when he died in their care, and we will cherish it forever. Things like this and little ceremonies may be hard in the moment, but they really help with the difficult process of moving on.

If your grief becomes more complex or long-lasting, speaking to a counsellor in person may be helpful. Alternatively, you can speak to your GP about finding a suitable counsellor in your area.

Some helpful resources

Irish Hospice Foundation – click here

Solace Pet Loss Ireland – click here

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