I am a sexually free man. But my latest adventure may make me undateable.

“How to Do It” is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It's anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I'm a cis man who divorced a cis woman about a year ago. Up until my divorce, I had a pretty conventional sex life. But since then, I've been exploring my life. And by “exploring,” I mean I've occasionally dated men, which has been a positive experience. But recently, I've taken it up a notch.

I participated in a five-man orgy with some people I met online. Everyone played it safe and had fun. I would even consider doing it again. The problem is that since then I have felt strong guilt that I have never experienced before. Being bisexual is one thing, but being an “orgy guy” seems to be something else.

I also plan on settling down with a steady partner at some point. I'm afraid most people would be dismayed to find out that about a potential partner. I wouldn't necessarily want to keep it a secret, but I would definitely be afraid to give it away. Is it wrong to feel that way?

—Society butterfly

Dear Social Butterfly,

I am not sure that the majority of people would be dismayed to learn that their partner once participated in orgies with members of the same sex, but there are definitely Are People who would be very desperate. The question you need to ask yourself is whether these are the people you want to settle down with. On the one hand, doing something that might shock people will further narrow your potential dating pool. But remember: you're only looking for one possible long-term romantic partner – you don't need the whole pool to be interested in you to find that one.

It's also worth thinking about why you want to settle down and what you want the relationship to look like later on. Do you have ideas about what long-term relationships should be like that could unnecessarily limit your options in the future? Where do these ideas come from? And when you re-examine these thoughts, do they align with your own values ​​and desires?

No matter how you ultimately feel, remember that our emotions occur without permission, but we can control our actions. And be patient with yourself – the orgies will come if you want to keep participating in them. There is no pressure to decide one way or the other yet.

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Dear How to Do It,

I have been married for over 10 years. Of course, our sex life has become less frequent. When we were together and before we had children, we had sex every day, but now, if I'm lucky, it's only once a week. That's not the worst thing, though. We only have one position now: doggy style. My wife gained weight after having children, so this is the only position she feels comfortable in. I've tried a few other things, but she says it's too sensitive. I don't know what to do. I find sex quite boring and it's making it harder and harder for me to get an erection. Is there a way to talk to her about this? Or any other advice?

—Make it more exciting

Dear Spice It Up,

What do you miss about positions other than doggy style? Variety is probably the first thing that springs to mind, but it's worth digging deeper. Is connection on the list? Could this be mimicked by using a mirror (assuming your wife is comfortable with that) or verbal exchanges during the act? Is it a particular angle? Experiment with pillows to support her hips or chest to achieve a wider range of sensations.

For both of my suggestions above, you'll need your wife's cooperation, and that requires a conversation. Look at past issues you've successfully resolved to find strategies you can use when addressing this and future issues. In your own words, you might start with, “I'm trying to figure out how we can continue to be sexually connected, and I have a few ideas I'd like to share with you.” Or, “I want our physical relationship to continue to grow, and I want to work together on how that can happen. Are you ready to talk about our sex life?” Give her space to respond, and go from there. Start with kindness and a desire to add to what you've both already built.

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Dear How to Do It,

How do you get rid of fantasies you don't necessarily want to have, or at least tone them down? For context: I (F) have been with my boyfriend for several years and for about a year now I've suddenly developed something of a sexual crush, I would call it, on my boyfriend's very good friend, which is definitely unfortunate. This usually manifests itself in the form of small fantasies and I think it's more about the novelty of thinking about it than anything else. I would never cheat on my partner and I don't feel any inclination when we're all together in person either. But I still feel guilty harboring this fantasy. It kind of feels like I'm cheating on my boyfriend. Is this a problem? What can I do?

-Forbidden

Dear Forbidden,

First, you should know that you are far from the only one who has fantasies that make you uncomfortable. We have heard from many people over the years who have been in the same predicament. The only real solution we have found and often recommend is mindfulness practice (and therefore meditation) so that you can redirect your thoughts to something else when that fantasy arises. This approach requires constant redirection when the unwanted thoughts arise.

While we generally agree that there is no such thing as thoughtcrime, the fact that you're fostering this within yourself despite feeling like you're cheating on your partner is a red flag to me. There's a pretty fine but relevant line between passively experiencing fantasies and intentionally returning to them, and it sounds like you're doing the latter. So take some time to think about what your own morals and ethics are on the subject. What do you think is right and what is wrong? Where do the boundaries lie for you? How comfortable are you with pushing those boundaries? And if you're willing to do so, it would be useful to explore the “why” questions behind each of those questions. The more understanding you gain, the happier you'll be with the choices you make.

Dear How to Do It,

My wife, who I have been married to for about 30 years, seems to have no interest in traditional sex with me. It wasn't always this way. In the last few years she seems to have changed, and I suspect she may have had an encounter with her friend who is polyamorous. I have some limited evidence that something happened, but nothing definitive. She can climax from clitoral stimulation, but she seems distant and possibly fantasizing about another opportunity.

I've asked her about it, but she denies it, saying that traditional PIV sex is painful. She seems to have virtually no interest in me stimulating her with my penis, preferring instead to lie on her back and be stimulated with my fingers. She “pleasures” me afterward and feigns arousal, but I know it's all just for show. I'm not sure I can keep this up long-term, but I don't know how to get to any kind of solution. Help!

— Scarred

Dear Scarred,

You use the word “seem” more than once, but don't mention that you want to talk to your wife about it. While it can be scary to broach the subject head-on, it's your best path forward. After all, it would be a shame to end a relationship based on assumptions when a conversation could help you get back on a happier path. The more you understand the situation, the more likely you are to be able to find a solution that is acceptable to both you and your wife.

But aside from the fact that your wife “seems different” in recent years and you get the impression that she is faking the desire for penetration, what you are describing sounds pretty normal. Many women find much more pleasure from clitoral stimulation and can accept or reject penetration if it is for their own direct pleasure. So try not to start your conversation with accusations against your wife, that will only hurt you in the long run.

—Jessica

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