Once distant father now demands help from his child

Dear Eric: I had a very close relationship with my father until he remarried in my mid-20s. When he remarried, he told my brother and I that we were being cut from his trust fund. He explained that he had raised us and would no longer support us financially.

Since then, our relationship has been at times superficial, at times full of conflict. Over the past few decades, his wife has manipulated him and alienated him from all other family members.

He is now 82, in poor health, and has been relegated to a care facility by his much younger wife. He expects me to help him with many tasks, such as transporting him to medical appointments. I live an hour away and still have my own children at home to care for.

My resentment is preventing me from wanting to help him. How can I come to terms with setting boundaries to protect myself and deal with the guilt that comes with that? How can I let go of my resentment so I can find peace when he dies?

— Taken for granted

Dear Granted: Guilt is often the last resort of a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions or desires. Remember, this is someone who is not communicating fairly or clearly with you.

However, this does not have to be your inheritance.

Now is the time to have an honest conversation about how your relationship has changed, the impact it has had on you, and what you are currently doing to protect yourself.

He may never be ready for that conversation. But you need to speak your mind, respect your boundaries without regret, and ask your questions while you have the chance.

You can't change the past – the way your relationship deteriorated, your feelings about trust, the anger with his wife. You can't change him either – his expectations, his cruelty or coldness.

Also, it's not your job to fix the problems he's created. Where is his wife? What happened to the trust funds? He may have been a victim of senior financial abuse. There are resources for him, the Department of Health's Eldercare Locator (800-677-1116). You can show him a solution while maintaining your boundaries.

Dear Eric: My husband and I do not want to give our children material gifts for their birthdays or Christmas. We would recommend donations to their 529 accounts or “experiences.”

We still want to have birthday parties with decorations and cakes – they are one and a half and four years old. For us, giving presents on certain days is a must, and even well-behaved children learn to expect them. We would rather give presents all year round and consider it a sign of maturity.

We face extreme reactions from family members. My mother grew up in a culture where birthdays were not celebrated, so she always wanted to make a big deal out of her grandchildren's birthdays.

My husband's family is very traditional. We had a huge Christmas debacle years ago when we asked not to receive gifts as we were living abroad at the time. We were given a lavish gift card and decided to return it on principle, but it wasn't a pretty sight afterward.

Should we blindly follow traditions just to keep the peace? Are we bad parents if we try to avoid materialism and change expectations around gifts? Should we continue to allow people to give gifts on their terms just to make them happy? But if we let everyone do what they want, when they want, how can we incorporate our views into raising our children in the way we think is best?

— Current outliers

Dear runaways: In your desire to be a responsible parent – ​​which is commendable – you may also try to enable your parents to educate their children.

What can you control in this situation and what do you need to control? Your children, especially the youngest ones, are still young enough that if a grandparent comes by with a wrapped package, you simply don't have to give it to them or you can save it for another time other than their birthday, depending on your parenting style.