Dear Annie: When my son died in a car accident, my mother posted on Facebook: I got what I deserved

DEAR ANNIE: This is not a letter in which I want to play the victim, so please hear me out. My mother has caused me so much pain for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my brother. I told her and she said I was lying. I always thought I was adopted because it was impossible that a parent could be so mean to a biological child.

When I got pregnant at 17, she gave me three days to leave the house.

Fast forward to adulthood: When my son was killed in a car accident 13 years ago, she posted on Facebook that I got what I deserved. When I finally got the courage to divorce the man my parents forced me to marry at 17, she posted on his Facebook how she would always love him. She taught me that you stick together no matter what. My dad and she have been married for 50 years, although she says she always gets sick when she hears my dad pull up to the house.

My 9 year old daughter was sexually abused by her father and I reported it immediately. He signed over his rights and my new husband (her stepfather) adopted her. My mother defended the ex and said, “That's still her father.”

At one point I told her I was sorry I hadn't visited her for a while. Her response was, “You're just like your father. There's always something going on.”

The last straw was when I enrolled in college to finish my degree. When I was about to graduate, I asked her if she would attend. She said hatefully, “Where is it anyway?”

Being in the same room with her makes me physically sick and it really triggers emotions in me. Everywhere you go or read, people say, “That's your mother, you better love her while you can because one day she's not going to be here anymore.” I need some kind of validation to protect my mental health, to cut off contact with her because I'm almost at that point. 48 years is enough. – Help

DEAR HELP: I usually try to make amends. After all, you only have one mother and underneath all the pain and suffering there is usually a trace of love.

But your situation is different. Your mother's behavior was repeatedly abusive, malicious, and narcissistic. You need to focus on your own survival and the well-being of your children. This requires reframing your expectations of your mother and limiting – if not cutting off – contact with her. Before you take such action, communicate your feelings to her, whether in a letter or in a conversation. That way, she will know what to do if she decides she wants to be a part of your life.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].